One Year Ago

One year ago….so sick to my stomach….barely functioning. Even now when i think about it my stomach comes up to the top of my throat. i have to fight to overcome the terrible feeling that washes over my body when i remember one year ago. There was so much anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. There were so many heavy things weighing on me all at once. Such a strange feeling of deep loneliness, walking the halls in the hospital, walking around Denver, feeling so lost and yet i was never really alone. i felt as though i had totally lost my compass. His Word says He will never leave us or forsake us. i can admit now it was my own fault, i had turned my back on Him months earlier. i had been so angry and bitter. So many good friends walked through this with me, upheld us in prayer, kept in touch. Thank goodness for cell phones, wow did i burn up the minutes. Grasping for any sense of “normal” i could find. There was none. How do you ever forget the moment the phone rings and your life changes. Dan and i were at the farm, down on the creek shooting targets…..it was surreal “We need to see you, can you come in……..right now?” This is never a good thing to hear when the doctor calls. The ride back to town, i remember feeling like i was going to pass out, everything inside me was shaking. i have no idea how at that moment i would have made it through if Dan and i hadn’t been together. You know, looking back you truly have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and keep on going. What a fool i was to try it without turning it all over to God. Today, it is so much better. i am facing the fact that it would have been easier if i’d reached out toward Him, that i failed. What a mistake….shake your fist in His face and……sheesh, how stupid of me to turn away. Some of that sickening feeling is that i knew better. i guess we all stumble and fall, the question is do we stay down or get back up again. We have the privilege today of having a walking miracle with us. She is doing so well. i am so grateful. Thank you God for for giving us more time and not turning Your back on me even though i turned away from You. i love You.